An alcoholic is still an alcoholic, even when he quits drinking. The nightmare journey does not end when the battle with the bottle ends, because the personality characteristics that made him an alcoholic in the first place still remain. That was the discovery of "John Wiley," the author who must remain nameless to satisfy the Alcoholics Anonymous tradition. But even without a name, his true story will shock you, enlighten you, and warm your heart.

INTRODUCTION

My name is John, and I am an alcoholic.

Those are the words that every alcoholic learns to say in AA, out loud. In the beginning, most of us can’t bring ourselves to say them. We can’t admit that we are alcoholics, addicted to a poisonous substance—for us—that has taken control of our lives.

But even more difficult than admitting we have become alcoholics is admitting that the problem is not the alcohol, but us. If we weren’t addicted to alcohol, we would be addicted to something else. Sometimes we think that we have won the battle when we quit the bottle—in fact, the battle is only beginning.

The first 16 of my 70 years of life—my boyhood years—I am convinced I was even then an alcoholic, the gene just laying there inside me, waiting for the catalyst of alcohol.

For the next 15 years of my life, I was an active alcoholic, involved with the insane destruction of my own life, and hurting all of those attached to me. I am sorry for all those years of my life, and for all of those folks involved in it.

The past 39 years of my life I have lived in sobriety as a recovered alcoholic. I want the struggles of that 39 years to mean something to my fellow human beings even outside the circle of the life saving program of Alcoholics Anonymous. 

I am very, very grateful to God for the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, and my ability to live in sobriety for over 38 years because of AA, and also for the Hazelden /Twenty Four Hours a Day little book of daily meditations.

Because AA has traditions that I respect and hold dear, I must remain anonymous and therefore my name, and all the other names and incidents in this story have been disguised or deleted to protect the people involved, but I can assure you the story itself is very true.

There are three persons named here who are real however. Dr. Margaret C. Kiely, Ph.D. is a real person, and I wouldn’t be quite as contented in my personal sobriety without her counsel over the years. K. Raye Dowdle who wrote the poem, Where is Forever Written, is a very real friend. Gary Hesketh, the cover designer and artist, is also a very real friend.

I don’t know whether you have a problem with alcohol or not. You may be a recovered alcoholic, like me. If you have trouble hanging on to a reason to remain sober, this book may be valuable to you.

Or perhaps you may know some people who suffer from alcoholic addiction, through this book you may understand them, and help them.

Or it may be that you are deeply religious. In reading this book, you may see how religion can be demonic as well as uplifting. 

As you tap deeper into the roots of your own spirituality, I hope you will recognize that combating an addiction like alcoholism needs your actions as well as your prayers.

When I admitted to and accepted my alcoholism, I made up my mind that nothing would ever cause me to take a drink of alcohol again. Whatever life was going to serve up to me, was not going to cause me to ever become an active alcoholic again.

Since January 7, 1968 when I had my last drink, I went through a divorce. After 10 years of drinking in a marriage and 10 years of sobriety, and as mean as divorce is, I did not drink again. Thanks to God, continued sobriety, and AA, I hung on to my sober reality.
Divorce caused estrangement from some of my own children, and terrific difficulty with step-children, but I did not drink again. Thanks to God, continued sobriety, and AA, I still hung on to my sober reality.

December 1983, I married Lisa and when the love of my life became very ill with a brain tumor 16 years later and couldn’t even talk, I looked after her until she died. That loss, and the past 6 years of my sobriety living with grief have been terrible, but I did not drink again. Thanks to God, continued sobriety, and AA, I am still hanging on to my sober reality.

The book is dedicated to Lisa. We had over 16 years together as husband and wife. We were married together in the Catholic faith, after struggling through annulment processes for our previous marriages. 

There was no way we were going to pick a fight with Catholicism over getting married without annulments, and then have me lose my sobriety because I had gone against my conscience and then picked up a drink again

When this book was first published in 1985 by Wood Lake Books Inc. Lisa was right there with me when I wrote it. Lisa isn’t with me now.

In 1999 my beautiful Lisa developed a glio blastoma brain tumor. She lost her ability to speak. I looked after her for four months. Lisa died on March 9, 2000.

Lisa’s spirit asked me to get this book out into print again now, before I get to join her so we can walk under a rainbow again “up there.”

My last six years out of my 39 years of sobriety have been in solitary sorrow, Lisa and I are one-love forever.

Working on this book has given much meaning to my thirty-nine years of sobriety. I pray that it will give you Love and Sobriety, too.

—John Wiley